I'm sure everyone's been through it at least once. You finally get what you want, only to discover you didn't really want it, you just thought you did.
I'm going through that right now. I've realized that while I love my boyfriend very much, I'm not actually in love with him. Frankly, while he's nearly everything I could wish for in a man and a partner, I just don't want him when it comes to the bedroom. I thought, being in my late 30s, that that would seem less important, but I was wrong. Of course, he finally just moved in not long ago. He really needed a catalyst to get him out of where he was, and I provided that, but now I know I'm eventually going to hurt him. I thought I was falling in love. And in many ways I did. It's just the sex that holds me back. How do I tell him that I love him, but I'm not attracted to him physically?
I look at the sky a lot. I'm endlessly fascinated with the clouds. They're my surest form of scrying. They've never lied to me.
Today is one of my favorite kinds of day. Blustery, the clouds low, full, moving fast and constantly changing shape. I was just having a smoke, idly gazing at the clouds, enjoying the play of bright whites and deep greys. I wasn't even consciously scrying, but I looked to my left, and there he was..... the biggest salmon I'd ever seen. He was so clear. I could see the shape of his jaws, his eye, his back arching up out of a stream of fast-moving clouds. He was there for about thirty seconds, then seemed to sink into the stream somewhat, and was just a cloud again.
I know it means something, but I'm not sure what. Anybody have any thoughts on the symbology of the salmon?
So, my love, my best friend and I are all settling into our new apartment nicely. Drake (the best bud) has nearly all of his stuff here, and Alan (the love) already has everything moved in. Today we began setting up the house altar in the living room. It's a lovely mixed bag of stuff, from all three of our traditions. My witchery, Alan's shamanism, and Drake's druidism. The energies and styles seem to be in harmony, which really doesn't suprise me. We're all agreed that the altar will be going through seasonal shifts in decorations and tools. Everything is moving naturally.
I am, by long tradition (and with exception of about a year spent with a wonderful mixed coven), a solitary kitchen witch, not much into formalized ritual. Yet, now I have a new home with my new love, and I have to figure out how to blend my loose, informal magicks with his shamanistic, more ritualized traditions. This ought to be exciting and fun, and I truly don't anticipate any problems.
Or, maybe it just seems like I don't have any formal ritual because I've been working my whole life to make everything I do a spell or blessing or ritual. Like, everyone knows food isn't as good if you don't add love whilst your cooking it. Or when I use the shower to cleanse my spirit of dis-ease while I cleanse my body. Or when I say "Praise Hermes, Master of Treasure, Bringer of Luck" when I find money on the ground. It's just something I always do, so it seems routine to me. But maybe to someone else it would have a more ritualized feel.
Or maybe I just have no idea what the hell I'm talking about. Ha ha ha! Maybe I'll explore this idea further later. For now, I'm gonna drop it. Feel free to tell me what you think.
